Brandari

[IceDev]

UuuUUUUuuughh.....

[ta]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

[kalli*]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

Hahahahahahahaha

[HAMAR]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup..
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked ''why ?'' and she said "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[HAMAR]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town andparty with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany ,Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying:
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar.. You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug
and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
So he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.

[HAMAR]

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"

[Vlad]

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"

Haha classic

[iar]

"Gæti Dolph Lundgren ekki keppt á Ólympíuleikunum í stór Svíi?"

[Daníel]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

[LEAR]

Stolið frá HSL.


Þú gætir verið Talibani ef:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to alcohol.

2. You own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. you think a camel is more beautiful than a horse.

12) you look at a mailbox and think `hmmm...sexy, that´d look good on the wife´.

13) You think a cartoon of two aircraft flying into the World Trade Center is great fun, but are willing to kill anyone who creates one that pokes fun at Islam.

14) You ever took flying lessons and told someone to skip the part about landing

15) You ever cut someones head off to send a message, but convinced someone from the media that a woman MP viewing you naked is cruel and unusual punishment.

[Hemmi]

1 Bob Smith, my Assistant Programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting Company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to Executive Management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


Addendum: That e-mail I sent you earlier today, well that idiot was watching over my shoulder,
so only re-read the odd numbered lines.

______________________________________________


Stutt ævintýri.

Einu sinni spurði maður konu hvort hún vildi giftast honum, konan sagði NEI!
Maðurinn lifði hamingjusamur eftir það.
Keypti sér mótórhjól og sportbíl.
Fór á veiðar og spilaði golf allann liðlangann daginn.
Drakk bjór og viský í massavís og átti gommu af peningum í banka.
Einnig skildi hann alltaf klósettsetuna eftir uppi og rak við þegar honum hentaði.

Endir

[Daníel]

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[Daníel]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

“No, it’s because you’re 25.”

[Daníel]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF
SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A
SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to
get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy
to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -

Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[Daníel]

Konfúsíus segir:

Man who run in front of car get tired


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Man who run behind car get exhausted


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Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him
in cathouse

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it

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Man, who drive like Hell, bound to get there

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Man, who live in Glasshouse, should change clothes
in basement

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Man who fishes in other man´s wells, often catch crabs