bmwkraftur.is

1. Always remember you are NOT famous and the chances are VERY HIGH you will remain UNSIGNED and UNFAMOUS. There are over 1 million unsigned bands struggling to make it. What makes YOU think you are any better than any of them? Face it, you're NOT!

2.When you are taking pictures at your "show" to post on your web page, DO NOT post pictures of the TWO DRUNK FAT chicks that make up your limited audience. It is best to NOT take pictures of the "crowd" unless there truly is a crowd. Spend the money and pay people to come to your shows. It will pay off. After all, CREED got signed, didn't they? Gather up some homeless dudes, pay them each five bucks to show up. It'll look like you can draw a crowd.

3. If you decide "Hey my band needs a web page," either make a simple TEXT BASED website, or spend the money and hire a professional (a professional web site). Nobody wants to see ANOTHER MICROSOFT FRONTPAGE DEVELOPED website (click for example). They look retarded and plain. If you didn't study fucking web design or leave it to the professionals. Pick one; professional musician or professional web designer. I advise you to go the web designer route. You and your family will eat better.

4. Who gives a shit that you just spent $5000 on a drum set? It doesn't make you play any better. I have seen drummers tear shit up on old, beat up CB700 kits, even plastic joint compound cans. When you can play like that, you can spend more than $500 on a drum set. Spending $5000 on an instrument when you are UNSIGNED, UNFAMOUS and UNTALENTED is retarded. Go buy a fucking car so you can hold down your pizza delivery job, fucko. You'll need it when you're 40 and still trying to "make it".

5. Ok, great. Now you're playing your live show. Here's a tip, YOU'RE NOT ADAM SANDLER, GEORGE CARLIN, DANE COOK, or ROBIN WILLIAMS. So stop trying to be fucking funny. Shut the hell up, and play your god damn music. I don't want to hear you and your drummer go back and forth about some stupid shit that happened backstage. Play your damn songs so I can go home, already!

6. Rule #5 prepares you for rule #6. Don't give me your opinion on war, animal rights, abortion, presidents, cars, bicycles or any other shit like that. I didn’t come to your show to listen to you prattle on about your political views. If you want to get into politics, quit your crappy band and do it. At least this way, when you are talking to me through my television set, I can MUTE you or TURN YOU OFF. SHUT THE HELL UP and play your music retard!

7. DO NOT TATTOO YOUR NECK UNTIL YOU SELL ONE MILLION RECORDS!

8. Let everyone in your band contribute to your songwriting and take criticism. 90% of the time when writing songs there is a fight, people just cannot seem to share their ideas and end up at each other's throats. I will let a quote from NIKKI SIXX summarize this for me; "So I got thrown out of Rex Blade for making the classic young rock-band mistake that so many others have made before me and will make until the end of time. This happens when you first start writing songs. Your words seem very important to you and you have your own vision that doesn't accommodate anyone else's. You are too narcissistic to realize that the only way to get better is by listening to other people."Taken from Page 29 of "The Dirt" by Motley Crue.

9. Unless you're Tool, Yes, or The Grateful Dead, ALL your songs should remain WELL under 5 minutes. Do not fucking bore me with your convoluted ass song any longer. I am friends with most sound guys, and if I am not, I will pay him large sums of money to assist me in shutting you the fuck up.

10. Pay a company to make your banner. Spray paint on a bed sheet reminds me of the jerk offs that do graffiti on my garage. Make it of appropriate size. A 15' x 30' banner is not necessary when all you're playing is the Federal Cafe or the basement of your dad's house.

11. Never say, "This song is for our mothers, for giving birth to us." What the FUCK? You just made me hate your mother. I was fine with hating just you, but now I have to waste more hatred. I should beat you down to the ground for even thinking something like that is even close to acceptable.

12. Just because you are playing the VFW and your cousin's Fourth of July party on alternate ends of the state doesn't make it a tour. You aren't on tour, fuckwad; you are on a weekend drive. VFW halls and YMCAs does not a TOUR make. Change that god damn link on your website from tour to we suck, err I mean shows, gigs or playing next even.

13. If you own a CBGB's shirt put it in your closet under your I CLIMBED MT. WASHINGTON, SIX FLAGS GREAT AVDENTURE, I LOVE TEXAS, and DISNEYWORLD T-shirts that you purchased at other souvenir shops. That's where it belongs. Remember what we said about clothing with writing on it? Were you paying attention? No CBGB's t-shirts allowed, Especially if you bought it at Hot Fuckin Topic!!

14. NO!! Your fucking GirlFriend CANNOT be our manager! Period. (pun intended)

15. No fucking Stuffed "Animal" (You know the guy from the Muppets) on your fucking drum set! Matter of fact, stuffed animals of any kind should stay at home in your pink bedroom. If you want to show what an "animal" you are, take pictures of your room before your mom cleans it, you panty-waste.

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